The ABCs of PowerPhrases
Have you ever had someone say something that hit you deeply
and woke you into a new way of looking at things? These words
shook you out of your own view, and you recognized the truth
in what the person was saying. These words were “pithy”—they
were full of substance and made a strong point.
I had this kind of awakening many years ago when my
friend Eric was helping me fix my bike. He asked me,
Are you aware that you are coming across as condescending
with me?
Whoops! He was speaking the truth and speaking it in a very
clear, nonattacking, and respectful way. I hated that he was
right! I hated that he was being a bigger person about it than Iwas. Looking back, I appreciate that he said it in a way that got
through my defenses and turned my behavior around. That
happened thirty years ago, and I remember it to this day. Now,
that’s a PowerPhrase!
Let’s have a look at the definition of a PowerPhrase. The
dictionary says “power” is “the ability to act or do.” You have
power when you can get results, make things happen, and get
things done. Power is measured in outcome. The passenger who
missed his flight might have felt powerful as he blasted the gate
agent. In terms of results, a softer approach would have been
more effective and, therefore, more powerful.
The definition of a “phrase” is a “brief expression.” So a
PowerPhrase is a brief expression that gets results.
Your expression needs to be targeted and worded in a way
that will get results. Results come when you are specific about
saying what you mean and meaning what you say, without
being mean when you say it.
Therefore, I define a PowerPhrase as follows:
A PowerPhrase is a short, specific, targeted expression
that says what you mean and means what you say,
without being mean when you say it.
Memorize this definition! Use the definition to guide you!
Ask yourself if your words are true PowerPhrases.
Let’s look at the definition piece by piece.
PowerPhrases Are Short
My friend Eric’s words were short. Their brevity added to their
power. Passive communicators often use too many words,because they want to soften the message and water it down to
avoid offending. Aggressive communicators often use too many
words to intensify the message. They want to drive the message
in and drive the point home. PowerPhrase communicators are
simply communicating. They do not need to control the
response of the listener. PowerPhrases focus on clarity. Power-
Phrases are fluff-free communication.
PowerPhrases Are Specific
When Eric told me that I seemed condescending, he was specific
in his choice of words. He did not just say that he didn’t
like the way I was talking to him. It was because his words were
so specific that they had the ring of truth and hit me hard. Specific
wording is like a sharp knife that cuts through defensiveness.
Vague words are like cutting meat with a plastic knife.
PowerPhrases Are Targeted
Eric’s words were targeted and that’s why they were effective.
They worked. Oh, I didn’t confess to my attitude, but I got off
my high horse, and have been more human with people ever
since.
Target your words for the results you want. Why are you
speaking? Are your goals clear in your mind? I bet you often
choose words that are guaranteed to get results quite the opposite
from the results you say you want.
Let’s say someone is screaming at you and telling you off.
My guess is that if I could put the situation on hold, pull you
aside and ask what your goal in responding is, you would say,“I want him to calm down.” My guess also is that you would
choose words that have the opposite effect. For example, you
might want to say the words “calm down,” which would inflame
him even more. If your words are likely to get different results
from the ones you seek, they are not PowerPhrases!
PowerPhrases Say What You Mean
What do you really mean? Have you ever told someone off in
the heat of the moment and later gone back and apologized by
saying, “I didn’t really mean that”? You THOUGHT you
meant it, but when you settled down, you realized that you were
reacting to the moment, and not speaking from who you really
are. Or have you ever said everything was fine, when, in fact,
everything was anything but fine? Clear communication
requires clarity within yourself before you can be clear with
anyone else. Ask yourself, what do I really mean here?
Eric asked himself how he felt when I was talking to him.
That’s where he found the words to tell me that I sounded condescending.
PowerPhrases Mean What You Say
Are you willing to back your words up with action? Do you
really mean what you say? If you say “I need orders by 9:00 a.m.
to have them processed by 5:00 p.m.,” and someone gives you
an order at 11:00 a.m., do you get it processed anyway? If you
say you will call, do you? Don’t kid yourself—no one will take
your words seriously unless you do!PowerPhrases Are Not Mean When You
Say Them
I hear your grumbling about this principle. I hear the moans
and groans and the “Oh, no—you mean I can’t have at them?
It all sounded so doable until now!” That’s right. PowerPhrases
are designed to communicate without attack. Clarity without
barbarity!
PowerPhrases are not venting, dumping, or unloading. Eric
clearly communicated how I was coming across with him. He
was in no way attacking me. He did not respond in the same
condescending tone he had heard from me, and he did not use
sarcasm. He was clear and direct, yet very respectful.
This means you do not get to indulge in sarcasm, mixed
messages, and sideswipes! Sometimes people think PowerPhrases
are the “gotcha” comments where you come across as clever and
the other person cannot respond. Sorry—“I love your hair. Do
you cut it yourself?” is NOT a PowerPhrase.
Now that you have all six PowerPhrases Principles—now
that you know all six parts of the PowerPhrase Definition—
apply all six guidelines to your words. The result will be Power-
Phrases. If your words don’t meet all six criteria, rethink them!
It would be much easier to pick words that only meet a few of
the guidelines. Easier—yes—and much less effective. Don’t
worry if it sounds impossible at this point. You are about to get
a much deeper understanding of the PowerPhrase Principles and
lots of practice in applying them to everyday situations. These
six, simple elements will guide you to getting your message
clearly across. But first, let’s take a careful look at the words you
don’t want to use. Let’s examine Poison Phrases.
Next Update - Poison Phrases
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